Changeling Aspects
For Parents of Gender-Variant Young
For Parents of Gender-Variant Young
Links from Synopsis of Transsexualism
International Links from TranssexualRoadMap
GenderBridge -NZ A Great Site with a Vast Amount of Info.. See their "Resource" section.
Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Counsellors
Hair Removal & Facial Rejuvenation Etc
Queensland Police Service LGBTI Liaison
Australia's Internet Safety Advisory Body
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Kathy's Komments |
This page will have regular comments from Kathy.
Significant Others.
See: Transsexuals' Experiences
These again are the forgotten people involved in the transsexual problems.
To a great degree they are excluded from learning and understanding what affects and makes a Transsexual (TS) person tick. They bear the brunt of what inevitably befalls the family, which is usually, a complete break down of communications and being allowed to understand via information from both their partner (Now TS) and support groups, preferably mixed to include them.
For them to really understand their plight, and in most instances the final outcome of the family breakdown, they are denied the right to be part of this vast change that is over taking the family as a whole!
Because of the way we TSs are driven in our quest for change to what we consider, or know to be our true selves, we totally overlook and discredit what harm and hurt we are causing our oft quoted, by us, loved ones!
If we really loved them, then surely we would not treat them in such an off handed way. Supposedly, we loved them and the children of this partnership. So how come they are kept so totally in the dark?
So few actually finish up staying together and many of those finally part as they see just how different life now really is and finally go their own ways.
Partners are just as important, if not more so than the TS person. They now have the very real total responsibility of caring for, and keeping the family together as a unit. The family situation can deteriorate if the TS person is forced to leave employment. This causes great hardship on the family, as lost income comes into play.
So far we have talked of the adult partner affected, but what about the children? They appear to have been forgotten in this head long rush to achieve change! They are affected, not just at home, but at their school, in their friendships and the loss of a loved parent, who they now no longer recognise.
We, the TS people involved do not appear to give a second’s thought to any one else’s problems, as we are so single minded and selfish in our quest, so that we shut out all others. Only when it is too late do we try to make amends, and if we are unable to, we then blame all around us for not understanding us. HAVE WE GIVEN THEM A CHANCE TO DO SO? Did we explain to them at any time what we really were?
We now have what was a loving family torn apart through lack of knowledge and understanding. SOs deserve better than this. They are people who have hopes and aspirations too! They thought they had a life time relationship, which has now been drastically altered, so that only a very few actually stay together. Could this figure improve if support was given to the SO and the children? At present, it is weighted all in the TS person’s favour, through support and education, not so the SOs.
Much, much more must be done to include all partners in this equation. At present it is pathetically little and needs to be amended, so that they are involved from day one to the extent that they feel capable of making an educated and rational decision on this very subject, and how it will affect their futures, and those of their children!
If we look at the legal issues, they are many, and must also be taken into account. Divorce, cost, children, home, superannuation and many other items. This would, one hopes very definitely include the SO, as it maybe that she/he is now the sole provider for the family. Think of what this incurs.
Kathy Anne Noble 18/02/2007
Support for partners of transgendered people. ( http://www.agender.org.nz/articles/partners/PartnersP.html )
A happy new year to all partners, friends and families; we hope you are all in good spirits after the Christmas/New year break, and are feeling refreshed and ready to start a new year.
The following article was written in August 2004 and received by the Persepctive's editor in September 2004, from Kathy Noble in Australia. As you may gather she found it frustrating that there was no one for the partner of a person with gender issues and, as is Kathy's style, she took control of the situation, as you will read in her article.
At first when I read this article. I was upset that we, the partners group of Agender, had not been contacted. After all we make sure the contact information is in the 'Persepctive' and it is also on the Agender website. After all, Australia is not far away with email.
I then realised that we assume that people who need us have also some access to emails and the internet, but they may not. There is still, postal mail but the main thing is "to have someone to talk to".
I forwarded Cathy's article to Caroline and Michelle for comment - both of who shared it with other people.
Michelle came back with the following (edited) comments -
"I love the article from Kathy. And she is right she would have a lot of knowledge to give us in a workshop. There are so many SO's that are too scared to step out and ask for help and/or don't know where to go for help. I know of a couple. We're wanting to help them,as we have been there we know what it is like, but they won't make the first step (or accept help). If the SO does not have a high confidence level then it is less likely that they are going to ask for help. Most likely they go into denial, "if I ignore it, it will go away!""
And something completely different from Caroline -
"The article has caused some uproar in this house. I showed it to a few friends to get their feedback and it definitely ruffled some feathers."
So with mixed feelings we publish this article - and would like to know what you
think.
SUPPORT - WHAT SUPPORT? by (Kathy Anne Noble 28/08/2004 )
Due to certain circumstances that I have recently witnessed, I am forced to ask, "Where is the support for Partners?
We are currently talking about Transsexual Support and building a Group to cover this, but to my certain knowledge there is nothing for Partners. Don't forget Partners are suddenly confronted by our Transsexualism, they are literally thrown in at the deep end. We expect them to grasp in a few days or hours what has taken us many years to acknowledge. What's more, we expect, no demand support from them. This surely is wrong!
The pain and anguish for Partners is lost on the Transsexual, who in their exuberance to reach their goal forget about those around them. To further add to the grief, in most instances the relationship ends. Then what happens? The Transsexual starts bemoaning their fate because they have lost their Partner, maybe their job and home. They then have the temerity to say "No one understands me" Have they taken the time to think about helping their Partner understand and not just pushing it in their face in the rush to transition! Do they understand, or are they willing to understand just what their Partner is going through?
I have made contact with a Women's Health Clinic, but they know very little if anything about this situation. There is no one to counsel the Partner if female in an emergency, so they have to join a queue, which could mean 2 weeks or more before an appointment. Because of this situation at the clinic, I have been invited to talk to them as they say, "We need to learn about these problems"
As this is a concern for Women, I will approach the Minister for Women's Affairs in QLD. I met her at the Women's Forum that I attended. I feel a great need to have something put in place for these ladies, and most probably something similar is needed for Male Partners, where they find their partner is Transsexual.
Since my transition I feel empathy for Partners in this position. I have a tendency to lean towards the female as I am now one and accepted and integrated into the community. I will still stand up and be counted for Transsexual matters, but I feel we are deluding ourselves if we think we can get away with expecting our Partners to accept our change with open arms!
To Transsexuals I would say "Slow down and remember it is all new to your Partner. You have had years to come to terms with the situation, they also need time" I am disappointed and in some cases disgusted at the way we treat our Partners. We keep saying we are human beings like the rest of society, as are our Partners. So give them some thought, because they too need to be loved and understood as much, if not more so than we Transsexuals. We demand respect! I would say we have to earn it by respecting our Partners needs and fears. - Kathy Anne Noble 28/08/2004
For three years now I have tried unsuccessfully to set up a group for significant others. To date, it has not got off the ground. It appears that like the medical fraternity, the partners, in the main, place it in the too hard basket. Many just walk away without even trying to understand. Many partners will support cross dressers, but if that person progresses to becoming Transsexual and living as a woman, they will walk away.
It is understood that partners will feel ill at ease because of the circumstances that now confront them. They married a man, not another woman and this can lead to them feeling that a lesbian relationship has now been created. Many will stay together as soul mates and friends without the feeling of being lesbian. If a relationship has lasted for 20 or 30 years what is the difference? Do you suddenly stop loving and liking the person who is changing, as they are no different inside, and could be a lot more understanding and helpful than they were before. Or, do you now look on this person who you lived with for so long and loved and cherished, as some form of monster!
Think of all that will be entailed legally in order to split the family, home, income and savings. The cost could be horrendous, not just monetarily, but in pain and heart ache. Many will opt to go down this road and will finish by feeling hate and loathing for each other. There is too much at stake for both to not consider the after effects of this, in many cases, inevitable outcome. If you cannot resolve your differences then at least do so amicably, calmly and cost effectively.
Many who are older will have substantial estates that will have to be split, and that can be very costly and time consuming. The legal costs can mount until you are losing vast amounts of money that you both will need in the years ahead. I know, you say that a clean break now is the best thing to do, but, really is it?
At least try to communicate with each other and understand each others feelings. We transsexuals are not known for approaching our problems in a slow, calm and considered manner, we need to do everything at the speed of light and in doing so tend to cut out our partner and forget their feelings. We become engrossed in our self to the detriment of those around us. Is it any wonder that our partner continually tells us we are shutting them out!
Now perhaps we should stop and see things from their point of view. We have declared what we are going to do, but have forgotten what effect this will have on them. We need to sit and talk and inform all members of the family, so that they can make a judgement based on fact and not fear. I hear what you say, the outcome will be no different, we will still split, but have you tried this approach instead of the approach of crashing through? Give your partner the chance to decide after talking calmly and putting your case, but do listen and try to understand theirs as well. This is the person that you married and had kids with, when if you had done the right thing none of this would have happened. Did you explain to her that you were Transsexual when you first met, or before you waltzed her down the aisle? We tend to go over the top in our quest to lose that feeling of transsexualism, but when we do this we are starting a course of action that will have very severe repercussions in the future. If you have not explained to your partner these innate feelings, then don’t blame her when it all goes wrong. She will need to be able to feel secure in your relationship, but at present will feel anything but. You have apparently misled her, badly! No wonder everything hits the fan when you tell her, what you are about to do. She may never forgive you for not taking her into your confidence at the start of the relationship, and who can really blame her. She thought that you were set for the final years together, and now you have blown that clean out of the water. No wonder she feels hard done by. She is thinking about looking for another partner and how difficult that can be at her age. If the kids are young, then who is willing to take them on as well?
You have taken her secure world and made it into a very insecure one, with no idea of what is in store for the present, let alone the future. She now thinks in terms of being alone, not out of choice or bereavement, but having something foisted upon her that is not of her making, or her wish. Can you blame her for being so self centred as to even contemplate thinking of a divorce under these circumstances. You have given her no real time or thought as you go on your merry way to achieving your goal.
I ask, would it be different if you had considered telling her as soon as possible and explaining what is happening to you, in a way that she can understand and perhaps come to terms with. We do not know, as the shock some times is enough to end the relationship, as in many cases it has deteriorated over the years in many cases due to our inability to have intercourse, not just sexually, but verbally!
Try to understand how they feel. How would you feel if it was you that was being told that the Mother of your children, now wants to be a MAN?
